Oh hey there! It has been a minute!
I have been thinking about this little website of mine for quite some time now, and I have felt called to bring it back. I don’t think it’s an accident that the word “resurrection” has been on my mind seeing how it is almost Easter, and resurrecting this blog is exactly what I want to do.
It takes me back to my roots. The place I started creating content online in the first place. I feel called now more than ever to look back on things I used to do in an effort to spark something in me that I feel hasn’t quite been there lately.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying. For the last 2 years, heck, maybe even since I moved to Minnesota I’ve been trying. No matter what I try, I find myself burnt out and not finding what I’m clearly searching for, and the more I try, the quicker it happens.
I honestly believe that I’m languishing. Have you seen that article? The one that came out at the end of 2021 after we’ve been knee-deep in this pandemic for longer than we anticipated? Here’s an excerpt that pretty much sums it up.
At first, I didn’t recognize the symptoms that we all had in common. Friends mentioned that they were having trouble concentrating. Colleagues reported that even with vaccines on the horizon, they weren’t excited about 2021. A family member was staying up late to watch “National Treasure” again even though she knows the movie by heart. And instead of bouncing out of bed at 6 a.m., I was lying there until 7, playing Words with Friends.
Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield. And it might be the dominant emotion of 2021.NY Times Article
This pretty much sums up what I’ve been dealing with perfectly. It’s not depression, but it certainly isn’t good. The more time passes, the longer uncertainty and craziness goes on all around the world, the more I feel called to figure out how to pull myself out of it. The Instagram post I wrote the other day sums up where my head is at.
Operation: Back to Brianna
I’ve decided that enough is enough and it’s time to shake this off once and for all.
I have watched as my Youtube channel views have tanked, engagement is at a low, and I feel like no matter what I do, it isn’t getting better. While that frustrates me to no end, and admittedly is the cause of quite a bit of anxiety (how dare my channel flourish when I wasn’t trying to earn a living off of it, but now that I’m all in on making a business, it bottoms out?? Rude!), I’m starting to realize that instead of pushing and pushing and pushing some more, hoping that something sticks and my metrics magically start to go up, maybe it’s time I stop pushing for a while. People can tell when you’re different, when your heart isn’t in it, or when something isn’t quite right. I don’t think I can fix my content and my community until I fix myself! I need to find the woman that was creating content back when things were thriving. Until I do, it’s a disservice to the people that come across my channel.
Let me be totally honest, that last paragraph was not at all where I expected this post to go. I’m just typing whatever comes out and low and behold, that’s not really something that was on my mind. I was thinking about taking a few weeks of a “still do a few things” bare minimum break, but the more I think about it, the more I think an official break is in order.
…well there’s a plot twist I wasn’t expecting…
Back to the whole operation thing. I want to spend some time going back and reflecting on what I used to do to find joy. What were my hobbies? How can I tap into those again? Can I find something new? I don’t think it’s quite “midlife crisis” level stuff, but I definitely need to spend some time exploring myself and figuring out how to make myself tick again.
There’s a lot more to this, and I want to share bits and pieces about how I’m going about this “journey to myself,” which is where my blog comes back into play. For now, this is going to be more of a public “Dear Diary” type situation and less of a place for listicles and tips and tricks. I want to share as I learn, grow, change, and find the old me and a whole new me at the exact same time. I don’t know what it will look like, but I do know this is important necessary work. Since I have the opportunity to step back and take this journey, it would be a shame not to take it.
Who will I be on the other side? Only time will tell. Until then, I hope you enjoy watching this adventure or misadventure in whatever capacity I end up sharing it.
Until next time, my friends!