You know, before I went the “professional” blogger route and started curating totally informational content and worrying about how much reach and engagement my posts had, Diva and the Divine was a place for me to journal about life. It started as a place to do some professional stuff, sure, but it also acted as a place for me to talk about life updates and experiences so my friends and family could read it during my season away while my husband and I lived in North Carolina. Today, I’d like to get back to those roots, because the struggle has been oh so real this week, and I feel the need to talk about it.
All week long (it’s currently Thursday morning) I have been feeling terrible. Terrible about myself, terrible about how little I’ve been getting done, moody, crave-y, and completely unmotivated to do anything other than sit on my butt and binge watch Will & Grace (I mean, the reboot starts tonight, so at least there is a legit reason behind that desire). Meanwhile, everything that I want to be in this ideal dream life I have for myself is the complete opposite of everything I’m currently being, feeling, and doing, and it’s really taking its toll.
While all week has been a mess of these emotions, yesterday is when a light bulb sort of went off. My vice amid all stressors is food. Always has been. After a solid 4 weeks of awesome weigh-ins (which I’ve been talking about over on Youtube), this week I went off the handle. It wasn’t even a “just make a bunch of bad decisions every meal” type of situation, but it was almost worse than that. I would eat really well planned and thought out meals, low in Smart Points and packed full of protein and nutrition. If I would have stopped where I know I should have, I’d be on point for another week and likely seeing a loss on the scale. Instead, I have been making horrible choices, typically right after one of my gloriously healthy meals. For example, I have a bunch of awesome Trader Joe’s pumpkin goodies that I bought for a TJ’s Haul video, and I have a lot of the higher Smart Point items pre-portioned out so it’s easy to grab one portion, track it, and enjoy it…but have I been using my system the way it was intended? Of course not! Instead, I have been taking several of those pre-portioned treats and indulging in them in one sitting,
The worst part of it all is that it’s a very conscious choice. The few times I’ve done it I’ve actually stopped, acknowledged the fact that I was about to make a very deliberate choice to self-sabotage myself (which is something I do a lot…) and that I have the option to put the stuff down and walk away. Instead of doing that, I found myself saying ” oh that’s nice… but F@!% it” and making the choice anyway. I think the fact that I completely made the mindful choice to self-sabotage myself is the part that I’ve been spending my time beating myself up over. I’ve been doing so well for an entire month, praising the Weight Watchers plan’s flexibility and how I can make it work, and then completely going off the handle. Of course, beating myself up over the one thing creates this downward spiral into a week that has just made me feel terrible.
Last night, at my wit’s end over the fact I haven’t been motivated to do anything and then topping it off with that whole self-sabotage situation, I did something I hadn’t really done before. I decided to take the time and think about the why behind all of this misery I’m subjecting myself to. Why was I doing this? What was the real reason behind these feelings?
Then something totally unrelated and yet seemingly 100% related happened. As I was sitting there watching WIll & Grace and trying to figure out what was going on with me mentally, I got a horrible, double over in pain cramp in my lady parts. I call these “lighting cramps” because they show up full force, out of nowhere, and feel like painful electricity racing through my lower abdomen. Since my IUD insertion, I’ve been using an app to track my time of the month, since I no longer had the pills to tell me exactly when my period was coming, so I immediately opened the app to see just how wrong the timing of this cramp was (I frequently end up with random cramps nowhere around the time of my period… my IUD experience has not been a positive one). It said “next period in 5 days.” With a few exceptions in the 2 years I’ve had the IUD, the tracker has been pretty spot on with my timing. How is this relevant to my rant?
I know that since getting the IUD my PMS has gotten much worse than it has in the past. I like to believe that I experience most of my PMS symptoms a day or two before my period. For some reason, since I was analyzing my emotions anyway, I decided to do a little research about women’s favorite thing (said with the most sarcasm ever): PMS.
After a bit of Googling, I learned several things. First of all, the onset of PMS symptoms isn’t just 2 days before but can start as early as 1-2 weeks before your period. This puts me right in PMS prime time. Lovely..
The second thing I discovered is PMS apparently gets worse with age. I’m 30 now, so maybe I’m falling into that category of people. Perfect!
The last (and perhaps most relevant) thing I learned is that there is not only PMS, but a more extreme version of PMS called Premenstrual Dysporphic Disorder (PMDD), that has a larger emotional impact on women, and starts about a week before your period. Symptoms include:
- Mood swings
- Depression or feelings of hopelessness
- Intense anger and conflict with other people
- Tension, anxiety, and irritability
- Decreased interest in usual activities (I don’t want to blog, work, workout, or basically do anything I normally do)
- Difficulty concentrating (!!!!!)
- Change in appetite
- Feeling out of control
- Sleep problems (I often have sleep problems)
- Cramps and bloating
- Breast tenderness
- Joint or muscle pain
- Hot flashes
Everything bolded is what I’ve been dealing with emotionally this week…
Now, I’m not one to self-diagnose, but I’m also not one to want to add another medical problem to my plate, but this just seems to fit, right? I might be someone who has PMDD rather than PMS, which would explain all of the emotional battles I’ve been dealing with this week.
On the one hand, I can’t decide if the answer is to go to a doctor and get an official diagnosis (and then a legitimate treatment) or if I should try and figure out how to manage it on my own, fully understanding that there might actually be a reason behind my utter lack of motivation, self-control and general feeling of the blahs. Either way, I actually feel better knowing there is the potential to have an actual issue rather than it all being in my head and I’m just a general failure at life.
All of that being said, today is a new day. I’m feeling pretty positive about my ability to make good choices and resist the urge to give in to my bad ones. Granted, 99% of the time mornings are never an issue. It’s lunchtime and beyond that, I need to worry about, but I’ll take that one moment at a time today, and while tomorrow’s weigh-in is likely to be dreadful, it will be time for some real talk over on my channel as well.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Do you have any thoughts, suggestions, or experience with anything I talked about today? I’d love to hear from you!